Milo in Hell
Characters
MILO: Milo Yiannopolous,
famous political creature
UNDERDEVIL: Deputy
Underdevil for Admissions, North Gate of Hades
Setting
Spare, nearly empty office or kiosk with space for
a computer screen on a desk or table, chairs for the Deputy Underdevil and for
the interviewee, Milo.
UNDERDEVIL: [looks
toward stage door] NEXT ! [Milo
enters and sits at the admission desk.]
UNDERDEVIL: Nice pearls.
MILO: Thanks, a
Brother gave them to me.
UNDERDEVIL:
Your brother gave you pearls?
MILO: No,
Brother Fleurmquist. He was at the
church for a while.
UNDERDEVIL:
Oh, a priest gave you pearls?
Maybe he’s here.
MILO: A monk, actually.
UNDERDEVIL: I don’t recognize the name, could be
Upstairs.
MILO: I
wouldn’t think so.
UNDERDEVIL:
Oh, many of them go Upstairs, you’d be surprised.
MILO: That’s
for sure.
UNDERDEVIL: [fiddles
with terminal] So your name is Milo?
MILO: Yes.
UNDERDEVIL:
You’re a plant? [laughs in fake
way har haw har] Sore-gum, you talk too much [laughs at own joke]. Should do well in the heat… [trails off, mumbling and fiddling with
computer.]
MILO: Very
funny. That’s what the Republicans were wondering. I’m told I’m an animal. [vamps]
UNDERDEVIL:
[Looks up and smirks] Is that
so?
MILO: That’s
what Brother Fleurm…well, never mind.
UNDERDEVIL:
[mumbling loudly] Pearls,
swine…
MILO: I beg
your pardon?
UNDERDEVIL:
Oh nothing, just wandering.
MILO: So
what’s your job, anyway?
UNDERDEVIL: I’m Deputy Underdevil for Admissions,
for this entrance to Hell.
MILO: Admissions?
I have to apply? I thought I’d be, you know, a walk-in.
UNDERDEVIL:
Oh no. We have standards in
Hades. We can’t just have anyone coming
in here for the warm climate, you know.
Even Jeff Sessions had to apply.
MILO: Did he
get in?
UNDERDEVIL:
Oh yes, no real issues there.
MILO: What
about Trump?
UNDERDEVIL:
No, he failed the mental.
MILO: You
have an IQ test to get into Hell?!
UNDERDEVIL:
Oh no. But you have to have clear
wicked intent as well as a record of bad acts.
He didn’t have clear anything, let alone intent. He wanted to know where
the golf course was.
MILO: You’re
not telling me Trump is Upstairs?!
UNDERDEVIL:
Well, not exactly. He’s in the,
er, annex on the Muslim side.
MILO: I have
got to know more.
UNDERDEVIL:
Well, he’s a harem guard.
MILO: A
harem guard? Don’t they have to be …
UNDERDEVIL:
Yes, but he was a walk-on. No
special, er, prep work needed to be done. Just a quick snip with the, er, nail
clipper and he was ready.
MILO: [to himself] Huh, so it was true…
UNDERDEVIL:
I hear he’s happy. Good visuals
and the little leather mitts keep his old grabby urges under control.
MILO:
Little?
UNDERDEVIL:
Well, you know.
MILO: Yes,
well, enough about the Gigamouth. Any
issue with my admission? I’m quite bad.
I’ve been trash-talking women, blacks, anybody who isn’t like me.
UNDERDEVIL: Well,
there can’t be many like you. I’m trying to find out why you were flagged for a
check. You don’t seem in quite the same
category as, oh, Caligula or Joe McCarthy. The British make such poor villains. Great spies, poor
villains. You’d have to go back to, oh, General Dyer, Henry the Eighth or….
MILO: Well,
back to me, I’m gay, does that help?
UNDERDEVIL:
No one cares.
MILO: Damn.
They used to.
UNDERDEVIL:
Once the Young Republicans started sleeping with each other that was
pretty much over. And you’re British anyway, you have an accepted national
subculture for gay sex.
MILO: Uh,
right. So, anyone I’d know here? [smirks]
UNDERDEVIL:
We don’t out our guests.
MILO: Beg
your pardon. I don’t suppose some of my
favorite historical figures, you know, André Gide or someone like that, are
around?
UNDERDEVIL:
He’s French, you know. And anyway
he’s Upstairs.
MILO:
Really? But he liked teenagers.
UNDERDEVIL:
Sure. And during his interview
they all told us to buzz off, they liked him, too. Wasn’t a close case. He had
more issues with how he treated his wife, but she, that’s a saintly woman and
she declined to testify.
MILO:
Fascinating.
UNDERDEVIL:
I don’t say they’re reconciled or anything.
MILO:
Sure. But back to me. My case.
UNDERDEVIL:
[Looks up over his half-glasses]
Yes, it’s all about you. So let’s take a
look at your case. [stares back at the
screen] Well, you are kind of an ass, but that’s pretty common.
MILO: I’m
very bad.
UNDERDEVIL:
Well, you’re very noisy.
MILO: I said
lots of bad things.
UNDERDEVIL:
Talk is cheap, I hear.
MILO: I was
expensive.
UNDERDEVIL:
OK, that’s one point. [mumbles
‘Overpriced twerp…’]
MILO: I was
hated.
UNDERDEVIL:
So was Jesus.
MILO: What
the hell?
UNDERDEVIL:
Watch your language.
MILO: But…
UNDERDEVIL:
I told you we have standards here.
It’s ‘what the heaven.’ Keep it
in mind.
MILO: Uh…
UNDERDEVIL:
So you talked a lot.
MILO: I said
bad things.
UNDERDEVIL:
I’m not seeing much action.
MILO: Hey, I
got plenty.
UNDERDEVIL:
[looks over glasses at Milo again]
Me too. Want my number?
MILO: Well
if you’re gay and you’re here, what did you do to earn admission?
UNDERDEVIL:
I’m career staff. Technically I’m
not fully dead so final judgment is held in abeyance. There really is a Limbo, you know.
MILO: Wow.
You’re Undead.
UNDERDEVIL:
Yes, but remember I’m a professional.
None of this walking the streets at night business, that’s low. Uncouth.
Not at all the thing.
MILO: No, I
can see that. Well, you seem, uh, good at it.
UNDERDEVIL:
It’s a living.
MILO: Back
to my case.
UNDERDEVIL:
I’m sorry, I don’t see one. You might be going Upstairs.
MILO: But I
said things about boys!
UNDERDEVIL:
What did you actually do?
MILO: Well,
there was Brother Fleurmquist.
UNDERDEVIL:
How old were you?
MILO: Ten.
UNDERDEVIL:
That’s a point, maybe two. On
him, not you. Were you interviewed when he died?
MILO: There
was a weird dream that week…
UNDERDEVIL:
That was it. Was it a bad dream?
MILO: Not
bad, exactly, just strange.
UNDERDEVIL:
Did you hate him? Want him sent here?
MILO: Not
really. Just kind of felt sorry for him.
UNDERDEVIL:
Do anything else?
MILO: [blushes slightly and looks down] Well,
sure, once I was fourteen I started to…
UNDERDEVIL:
That’s fine, doesn’t count. Not
like you could get pregnant. I’m not hearing any wicked acts.
MILO: Well,
I said horrible things about people.
UNDERDEVIL: Lots
of people do. [yawning, looking over Milo’s shoulder] NEXT!
MILO: Wait
! Where am I going?
UNDERDEVIL:
[looks at his screen] Next
door to the harem with Donald.
MILO: [grabs his crotch and gasps] No! Not that !
UNDERDEVIL:
[laughs] Oh no, not as a
guard. Quality control. You try them out
before the clients. Testing.
MILO: [brightens] Oh my. Well, that could be interesting.
UNDERDEVIL:
No doubt. You’re assigned to test
the women.
MILO: Oh
! But I’m gay !
UNDERDEVIL:
That’s why it will be interesting.
MILO: But
what do I do?
UNDERDEVIL:
Ask Donald.
MILO: Gross.
How long do I have to, er, test the women?
UNDERDEVIL:
Forever, most likely.
MILO: No!
That’s unfair, that’s…that’s…
UNDERDEVIL:
Hell? [stands and wafts Milo out
the door with hand motions]
Curtain
